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The Texas Chili Cook-off

by Ryan
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For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It
takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are
from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from
the East Coast:

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides,

they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted.”

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 – Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 –Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 –Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Jud! ge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 — A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba’s Black Magic
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to
look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe! filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that damn
Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge
# 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve
decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommy’s Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going
to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili.

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